Wow.
Nearly 4 months. Wow..
I can officially say I suck. And I know I shouldn't make excuses but I have some pretty good ones! Not so much "excuses", more, legitimate reasons as to why I went MIA for so long. 2012 had begun to take a turn for the worse. Not quite the beginning I imagined, and certainly lacking all motivations and positivity I craved so badly.
First off I attended a funeral for a suicide victim. Even though I didn't know the person well, I knew their son - a very close and dear friend and ex-Housemate. Seeing the devastation it caused reminded me how short life is and how little I had done with mine since losing my job. It brought me back down to a slump, and the countless job applications and interviews I was going for weren't helping. I was getting so much positive feedback about myself "oh you're wonderful, you're great, we loved you! ... But we chose someone else".
I couldn't grasp what the issue was. Why would people string you along like that in such a serious situation? It was almost like being in a serious relationship and having your partner walk out on you out of nowhere, and tell you that it's "me not you".
I became frustrated and angry so quickly. My Housemate and I were coming to blows as she wanted to move to a bigger place and so did I - but we couldn't until I had financial security. We would argue over the smallest things, and she couldn't understand why I was so down. Spending day after day doing job applications at home does one's head in, that's why. I felt like I was on this continuous uphill rollercoaster, that would just drop off once I thought I'd reached the end. I'd have to start all over again to get to the top and it was killing me. The cat was excited to have me home, but that was only because I'd feed him when his mother told me not to. I thought I had finally found a job, I was so certain, they were so certain, they kept telling me... But when it came to D-Day, they went with someone who had less experience but was "more likely to not get bored". Great.
The same day, I went to visit my niece at the Parental's house. My aunt was there, and something about the mood was a little off. My mother put the tv on and said "something has happened... something awful". I thought she was joking. She wasn't.
My dear little friend who had grown up across the street from me had been killed.
She was only 18.
I couldn't believe it. This girl was going to change the world. She cared for every living thing there was and even sponsored animals instead of receiving birthday presents. She even sponsored the ugliest animal she could find, just because she was afraid nobody would.
She saw beauty in everything and everyone, and even though because I was a lot older and I'd moved out I hadn't seen her much in recent years, she always had a spot in my heart and was always a friend. I used to babysit her when I was young, and she was the first friend I made when I moved to the area. We spent many Saturdays playing house and family and dressing her younger brother up in girls clothes. She was a gem, had never done anything stupid in her life until she got into that car.
A friend had left a party upset so she had gone with them to make sure he was ok. The driver and the front passenger survived. She was killed instantly. And only a few short minutes from home. Soon enough after I heard, her picture was on the news. Her death touched so many of our little community, I couldn't believe something had happened so close to home. Instantly I burst into tears. I couldn't understand how God could think to take someone so full of beauty and life and potential from the Earth. I got mad and struggled with the grieving process. I had another dear friend who had taught us both piano that I called that night, and she was beside herself. We had always been her "children" and now one was gone.
A few days passed and I went to visit the parents of my lost friend.
I couldn't hold it in, we embraced and cried. I couldn't believe how well her mum was keeping it together. People kept coming in with flowers and cakes and food and anything else you could imagine. We all swapped stories about how beautiful she was, and my own mother said something that put a bit of sense into the situation: "maybe she was needed back up there with the other angels. Maybe she had done all she needed to do here".
Maybe mum was right. Either way, it gave me a little bit of hope.
Not long after, I attended G's funeral. It was shattering, but beautiful all the same. G practiced budhism, and they of course believe in re-incarnation.
Well, to everybody's amazement, the most beautiful orange butterfly floated in and sat on G's coffin. It stayed with the procession for a long while, and everybody knew, she was there. More of us got a reason to believe she would never really be gone.
Two days after, I was back visiting my family. Father was yelling "quick, be quiet but come quick". A cat we had never seen before in the neighborhood was sitting on our front fence.
I knew immediately it was her.
I couldn't believe this was all happening. Something started to lift from my shoulders, some strange weight, and suddenly I felt as if I would be ok.
It's bizarre how the world works sometimes..
A little while had passed and a lot of things around me had begun to change. Things started getting more serious between the guy I was seeing and I, Mandy had sat me down and said she wanted me to write a poem for her wedding ceremony. The Grand Prix was coming up and I had finally shaken off all the bullshit caused by my ex. He still texts me to this day, but I can't seem to see that ever happening again, thank God. I started to realize how much I liked the guy I'm with when we spent an awesome day with friends at St Kilda Festival. It was a day of firsts, that being the first time I'd let myself like a guy properly since my last massive fuck around, the first time I'd had a real laugh, and the first time anyone had ever gotten me on an amusement ride that I would usually have cried, screamed and refuses to get on. (ok, I put on a scene but I conquered my fear).
I spent 4 glorious days at the Grand Prix, surrounded by old friends and plenty of drinks. It was the first time in a long time I was able to let myself go, be myself and not care what anyone thought. I also earned some nice tips.. It's amazing how many stupid drunk guys will give you money to have a picture with them!
On the first day of the GP, I'd been for a job interview. It wasn't my ideal job, but it paid well, the people seemed nice & I felt right at home as soon I'd walked in.
By the end of that day, I was supposed to find out whether or not I'd gotten the job.
I didn't feel overly positive, especially since the boss who had interviewed me said "I'll be honest, I've got my heart set on someone else, but Graham insisted I meet you".
I kept my phone in my hand pretty much all day.
Then I lost reception. Not long after it returned, my phone froze.
FML.
The guy had called a few times and by 7pm I'd finally gotten back to him.
I couldn't believe my ears when he offered me the job. I couldn't contain myself.
I burst into tears! It had been a long time coming.
The icing on the cake was the fact that he said "you exceeded all my expectations".
Nobody had had that kind of faith in me in the longest time. I felt a million bucks.
Nothing would bring me down.
I started working the following Tuesday, 7:30-5:30 everyday, I had no idea how I was going to survive the hours but I've slipped into them nicely. It came at perfect time, as my Housemate had left and I was in a hurry to sort out a new place to live. Moving was a complete pain in the ass but I was going to have to do it. I decided I would also move out of Bayside and closer to work. I had my sights set on Prahran.
Things seemed to be finally falling into place. But you know what they say...
When everything starts going right, something is bound to blow up in your face.
And that's exactly what it did on April 1st.
I thought it was some sort of sick joke. I couldn't stop crying. I rang my mother who was having a jolly old time in England. Another one of my friends gone. But this one just far too close for comfort. This one was like my little sister. Someone I'd just been out with two weeks before. Someone I should have seen the signs with. Someone who I knew was capable of taking her own life. And that's exactly what she did.
I couldn't believe this was the 3rd person in a space of 4 months that I'd lost.
What the FUCK was going on??
At that moment I felt as if everything had blown apart again.
How could I go back and work with the thoughts in my head?
Was I going to lose my job if I took time off?
I was terrified of everything going on in my life all of a sudden.
Someone or something had to save me, and fast.
It's been just over a month now since Em left. I am starting to feel normal again, but it's hard to think I won't ever see her again.
I can't bring myself to delete any of her texts from my phone. I feel as if that would be like deleting her. Sounds ridiculous, I know. But it's just the way it is.
I've moved to Prahran, now all I'm stressing about is my finances.
But I think I've finally done all the time and punishment in the world, and it's finally my turn to be happy, for good things to come, and for Collingwood to start climbing the ladder!!
So... There you have it... The Tucce is (back) out there... <3 xx
